Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500
on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing
respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got to tell Paddy's wife.
Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be
gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500,
and is afraid to come home.' 'Tell the worthless S.O.B. to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him' says Gallagher.
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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been
run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut,
and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. 'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy. 'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing
respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got to tell Paddy's wife.
Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be
gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500,
and is afraid to come home.' 'Tell the worthless S.O.B. to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him' says Gallagher.
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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been
run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut,
and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. 'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from
the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road. A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have
ya been?' 'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to
drink this evening.' 'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his
arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?' 'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk , 'for a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf.'
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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears. He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed
away last night.' The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
have any last requests?' She says, 'That he did, Father.' The priest says,
'What did he ask, Mary?' She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'
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Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to Hunt moose. They managed to
bag six moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane
could only take off with four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the
pilot let us take all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in
and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the
load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived
the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
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AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . .
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.
