One-liners

[Salmon Fisher]

Last week a man drowned in a bowl of muesli and the coroner just recorded a verdict of accidental death..... it is believed a strong currant pulled him under

 

[ubuysa]

Last week a man drowned in a bowl of muesli and the coroner just recorded a verdict of accidental death..... it is believed a strong currant pulled him under

And that was the raisin for his death?

 

[Salmon Fisher]

And that was the raisin for his death?

Oatily

 

[Salmon Fisher]

I've decided that from January 1st I'll only be watching videos in 1080p or above.
It's my New Year's Resolution

 

[Martinr36]

I've decided that from January 1st I'll only be watching videos in 1080p or above.
It's my New Year's Resolution

I'm still keeping my new years resolution that i made many years ago..............................

Not to make any more new years resolutions

 

[SimonPeters116]

I'm still keeping my new years resolution that i made many years ago..............................

Not to make any more new years resolutions

Same here.

It's the only New Years resolution I've ever stuck to

 

[ubuysa]

My New Year’s resolution is to tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.

I don't claim credit for this one, it was first said by Hunar Hali, a well-known Indian actress, but it is apt, especially for those who know me well.....

 

[davhun]

My New Year’s resolution is to tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.

I don't claim credit for this one, it was first said by Hunar Hali, a well-known Indian actress, but it is apt, especially for those who know me well.....

Ahh - just the man, you see it is like this ...........

 

[ubuysa]

And whilst we're still on the New Year, I came across this which I thought rather apt....

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in.
A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

 

[Martinr36]

So a man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
🎅😙😉🙄🫠🎅

 

[AgentCooper]

 

[Tron1982]

The words you are looking for are exhausted, drained, burned out, depleted, or weary (at least) 🤣

 

[Tron1982]

 

[Martinr36]

 

[Martinr36]

 

[ubuysa]

This is a true story.

I was teaching a class in the USA and one of my female students was late on the second day. She said that she had travelled across the country to attend the class and was having trouble adjusting to the time zone. Enquiries showed that she was staying in the same hotel as I was, so being a gentleman, I offered to knock her up in the mornings.

It didn't go down as well as I'd hoped.....

 

[Martinr36]

@AgentCooper which category do yours fall in to

 

[AgentCooper]

@AgentCooper which category do yours fall in to

View attachment 35742

None of the above, actually. Mine have a special category…

 

[Tron1982]

How is the little bro ?

 

[SpyderTracks]

How is the little bro ?

She's a lady don't you know