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Deleted member 41971
Guest
"The worst thing about living next to MC Hammer was the constant DIY noise, I shouted STOP!!! but if anything it only made it worse"
One-liners
- Thread starter AgentCooper
- Start date
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Deleted member 41971
Guest
I bumped into an old friend and asked him what he was up to. He said ‘I prepare meals for the homeless, addicts and drunks’
I said ‘oh, charity work?’
He said ‘no... Wetherspoons’
I said ‘oh, charity work?’
He said ‘no... Wetherspoons’
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Deleted member 41971
Guest
a conspiracy theorist goes to heaven, upon his arrival he meets god,
god - "you can ask one question"
conspiracy theorist - "can you tell me who shot JFK!"
God - "it was lee Harvey Oswald"
conspiracy theorist - "OK"
As the conspiracy theorist walks away he says to himself "this goes higher than I thought"
god - "you can ask one question"
conspiracy theorist - "can you tell me who shot JFK!"
God - "it was lee Harvey Oswald"
conspiracy theorist - "OK"
As the conspiracy theorist walks away he says to himself "this goes higher than I thought"
D
Deleted member 41971
Guest
"what do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the titanic?"
About Half way
About Half way
D
Deleted member 41971
Guest
Last night, my wife woke me up.. *Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!* So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.
Then I realized I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Then I realized I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
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Deleted member 41971
Guest
"my boss calls me a computer, nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes."
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Deleted member 41971
Guest
why do artificially intelligent systems fear popcorn?
Kernel Panic
Kernel Panic
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Deleted member 41971
Guest
"A buddhist monk approaches a burger food truck and says "make me one of everything" the buddhist monk pays with a $20 dollar bill, which the vendor takes, puts it in his cash box and closes the lid. "wheres my change?" the monk asks, The vendor replies "change comes from within"
My brother just threw a pint of milk and a block of cheese at me. How dairy.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, 'That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen.'
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, 'The driver just insulted me!'
The man says, 'You go right back up there and tell him off, I’ll hold your monkey for you.'
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, 'The driver just insulted me!'
The man says, 'You go right back up there and tell him off, I’ll hold your monkey for you.'
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Deleted member 41971
Guest
"Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it".
Martinr36
MOST VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
isn't that a green grocers.............................
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Deleted member 41971
Guest
"a couple were living together for five yrs, One day the girlfriend is in the kitchen and on top of the fridge she finds $10000 and four eggs. She is baffled by what the money and eggs would be doing there, so she goes and asks her boyfriend about it. “Hey baby, why is there $10000 and four eggs on the fridge?” Her finding it jolted him. “Oh. Well, every time that you yell at me or are rude to me, I put an egg atop the refrigerator,” He replies to her. She suddenly felt mollified. “Aww baby, it’s been 5 years and you’ve only put four eggs up?”
He replied “No honey, every time I put a dozen up there, I sell them. That’s how I got the $10000.”
He replied “No honey, every time I put a dozen up there, I sell them. That’s how I got the $10000.”
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Deleted member 41971
Guest
"The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me."
ubuysa
The BSOD Doctor
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.
“Hands off!", she said, “they're for your funeral.”
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.
“Hands off!", she said, “they're for your funeral.”
NoddyPirate
Grand Master
An Irish lad playing golf with his regular partners was standing on the 6th tee about to tee off when a hearse and cortège rolled by on the nearby road. He stood back from his ball and blessed himself.
“Jaysus Paddy” says one of his mates. “I didn’t know you were religious?”
“Ah it’s just out of respect” he says. “We were married for 35 years after all.”
“Jaysus Paddy” says one of his mates. “I didn’t know you were religious?”
“Ah it’s just out of respect” he says. “We were married for 35 years after all.”