NoddyPirate
Godlike
I’m disappointed that took me a few seconds to figure out. 🤦♂️
One-liners
- Thread starter AgentCooper
- Start date
NoddyPirate
Godlike
What’s Forrest Gumps password?
1Forrest1
1Forrest1
It’s an old Steven Wright joke. My absolute favourite of his is:
Sponges grow in the ocean, that just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if they didn’t.
NoddyPirate
Godlike
Ha ha! That is such a confusing one too! I love it!
D
Deleted member 41971
Guest
my fav Steven Wright joke is
"I went to a place to eat. It said 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
NoddyPirate
Godlike
I think I my all time favourite was Dave Allen. But none of his best quotes worth mentioning come close to being one-liners!
D
Deleted member 41971
Guest
dave allan was great, he did a bit about getting older, from, well, if I can get to 30 I would have done well, to, 60 Jesus!!!! give me 61
NoddyPirate
Godlike
Here’s the only Dave Allen joke I can think of that is publishable on a family forum. I think!
The Pope is discussing the existence of God with an Atheist. He gets frustrated with the conversation and finally says to the man “You are like a man blindfolded, in a totally dark room, searching for a black cat that isn’t there!”
The man says “Then I think we are very similar - you too are like a blindfolded man, in a totally dark room, searching for a black cat that isn’t there - the only difference is you have found it.”
The Pope is discussing the existence of God with an Atheist. He gets frustrated with the conversation and finally says to the man “You are like a man blindfolded, in a totally dark room, searching for a black cat that isn’t there!”
The man says “Then I think we are very similar - you too are like a blindfolded man, in a totally dark room, searching for a black cat that isn’t there - the only difference is you have found it.”
D
Deleted member 41971
Guest
dave allan
"I suppose Ireland is the best place in the world for directions. People will say to you, ‘I wouldn’t start from here if I were you"’.
"I was driving to Wicklow town and outside Wicklow town, there’s a kind of country road and I came to a crossroad and there was one signpost and it had Wicklow on it and the other way was Wicklow. And there was a fella sitting there and I said does it make any difference? And he said, “Not to me it doesn’t.”
NoddyPirate
Godlike
I’ve been given directions here myself before that went something like:
“Go up that road and take a right. Now, do you know that pub up that road? ‘Tis on the left?”
“Yes, I do.”
“And do you know past that pub there’s a cottage, thatched it is, with a colourful garden?”
“Yes, I think so?”
“And past the cottage is a big field with sheep and it stretches over to the woodland yonder?”
“Yes, I’m pretty sure I do?”
“Well if you see all of those things then you’ve gone too far...”
Martinr36
MOST VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
NoddyPirate
Godlike
Ah yes! A routine I know well! He was a legend really.....
Martinr36
MOST VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
in the name of the father and the son & into the hole he goes...........
When I was a young lad I had to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.
D
Deleted member 41971
Guest
"I don't believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in Glasgow recently 48 people were injured".
Martinr36
MOST VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
Its common knowledge the reason that scots wear skirts
Hey... you're at risk of offending us lot who have Scottish heritage!
Although you have a point, my granny dropped a pound coin once and she bent down to get it so quickly that it hit her on the back of the head.
Although you have a point, my granny dropped a pound coin once and she bent down to get it so quickly that it hit her on the back of the head.
Oooh, are we insulting Yorkshire? As a Lancastrian, this is something I can get on board with! Here we go...
I just saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman. He had a cat flap on his head.
Martinr36
MOST VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
Insult yorkshire......................nah