One-liners

[Martinr36]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Boom, Boom................

 

[rouchie]

A man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

 

[Martinr36]

A man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

OMG..............................................................

 

[NoddyPirate]

 

[Deleted member 41971]

View attachment 26688

they needed a giant one of these

 

[rouchie]

To the man on crutches dressed in camouflage who stole my wallet: you can hide but you can’t run

 

[Deleted member 41971]

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. 'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

 

[rouchie]

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

 

[ubuysa]

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

That would be a terminological inexactitude!

 

[Deleted member 41971]

 

[rouchie]

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

 

[Martinr36]

2 Chinese dudes break into a distillery.

one turn to the other and says 'is this whiskey?'

The other says 'yes but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank'!!

 

[Deleted member 41971]

not a one liner but it goes to show people will watch anything on the internet

 

[ubuysa]

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

 

[rouchie]

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone!

 

[Deleted member 41971]

while testing a newly installed computer system, an army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of world war three and promptly received a one word reply "yes"

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

 

[Deleted member 41971]

 

[ubuysa]

while testing a newly installed computer system, an army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of world war three and promptly received a one word reply "yes"

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

While checking out a new Russian-English language translation program on their new computer the testers entered the English phrase "out of sight out of mind". Mere milliseconds later out came the Russian equivalent, but since nobody there could speak Russian they didn't know what it said.

One bright guy suggested entering the Russian phase and seeing whether they get back the English original. They did this and out came the English phrase "invisible idiot".....

 

[rouchie]

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”​

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

 

[rouchie]

What do you call a magic dog?​

A labracadabrador.