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One-liners
- Thread starter AgentCooper
- Start date
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Deleted member 41971
Guest
found this on reddit 
How do you handle a dangerous cheese? Caerphilly.
My kid used to love tractors. Posters and toys of them everywhere. Loved going on tractor rides. Then one day a tractor ran over our dog. From then on he hated tractors.
Twenty years later he's driving past a house on fire. "Help help help" screamed the woman from the first floor window. My kid jumped out his car, ran to the front door, put his mouth to letterbox and sucked all the smoke out, putting the fire straight out.
Fire brigade then turned up and were amazed. "How the heck did you do that?!" asked the lead fireman.
"Easy" said my boy, "I'm an ex-tractor fan".
Twenty years later he's driving past a house on fire. "Help help help" screamed the woman from the first floor window. My kid jumped out his car, ran to the front door, put his mouth to letterbox and sucked all the smoke out, putting the fire straight out.
Fire brigade then turned up and were amazed. "How the heck did you do that?!" asked the lead fireman.
"Easy" said my boy, "I'm an ex-tractor fan".
My ex broke up with me because she said I was obsessed with football. I was devastated, we’d been going out for five seasons.
I phoned the local gym and asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said ‘how flexible are you?’ I said ‘I can’t do Tuesdays or Thursdays.’
How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nun.
Nun.
SpyderTracks
We love you Ukraine
Serious dad joke right there
perfect time of year for it!
rouchie
Rising Star
Classic Tommy Cooper Agent, errr Cooper!
I’m recovering from a cold. I’m so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I’ll cure someone
Did you hear about those two blokes that stole a calendar?
They both got six months.
They both got six months.
Why did the man fall down the well? Because he didn't see that well!
• What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday? "Aye Matey!"
• Someone has glued my pack of cards together - I don't know how to deal with it.
• What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing
• I was wondering why the frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger, and then it hit me
• I was stood behind a customer at an ATM and he turned around and said "could you check my balance?" - so I pushed him. His balance wasn't that great.
• Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field!
• What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for work? Bison
• What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday? "Aye Matey!"
• Someone has glued my pack of cards together - I don't know how to deal with it.
• What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing
• I was wondering why the frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger, and then it hit me
• I was stood behind a customer at an ATM and he turned around and said "could you check my balance?" - so I pushed him. His balance wasn't that great.
• Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field!
• What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for work? Bison
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Deleted member 41971
Guest
this is hilarious
I met a bloke called William Hill the other day, what are the odds of that happening?
I also met the fella who invented windowsills, what a ledge…
I also met the fella who invented windowsills, what a ledge…